(Originally written in 2009)
The day remains in my memory, still clear and unshaken.
Seventeen years has passed and still it is trapped within me. My mind replays each and every moment continuously. Sometimes, other thoughts take over and manage to cover my tragic past. Other times, the flashback comes alive. The surrounding sounds of that time, screaming powerfully. The visions I caught from all angles, displayed vividly in my mind. The fear and agony returns, capturing and suffocating my defenseless soul. I was a victim then. I am a victim now, incapable of bravery and betterment.
Hand in hand, during the dim misty night, we walked to the playground. Regardless of the fact our foster parents disapproved of it. As he leaded the way, I tried to keep up. We were always side by side whenever possible. He was my protector, my best friend, my elder brother. Joy spread throughout me in the beginning of that night. How easy it is for a child to find happiness. A smile had stretched across my face. Although I was uncertain, and careless, of what the near future would bring.
Once we reached the park, the only question then was how to enjoy our disobedience. So with a giggle I released myself from his grip and disappeared behind the nearby towering trees. Patiently I waited as I hid.
“Sofia!?” I heard him calling out my name every now and then, but his voice ended up getting further and further away until it could not be heard. My emotions soon shifted from bliss to distress as the silent pause lengthened. The wind was suddenly colder, the sky much darker and the night was, somehow, more noiseless. That was the time loneliness and I first met. It was then my turn to cry out his name. I crept out of the bushes guardedly.
“El-Elliot? Where are you?” I choked with terror.
Running back and forth, I tried to scream but all I could manage were short gasps. I was a frail little girl, found in the raw hands of danger. And then, after what felt like forever, I found a familiar figure lying by the swings; his body motionless and his face expressionless.
I walked cautiously towards him, allowing the distance between us to lessen. My tears smudged the view into a shadowy blur while my most frightening nightmare wrapped its beastly claws around me. Weakness spun around me as I fell softly onto my knees. I crouched down, gripping onto the frozen boy. His blue eyes were wide open, although nothingness is what I found in them. Portions of his face blackened by bruises and his clothes stained with blood. I received no response from him, no matter how desperately I longed it from him. He was broken physically, leaving me broken emotionally.
Now I sit with four meaningless walls closing in on me. The one memory, from years ago, still b
urns as an eternal flame overflowing with despair. To think he was merely a child, yet he still appears as the tall fearless hero when he is pictured in my mind. But he has stepped into another world, an unapproachable world, separating the companionship we held earlier.
Once in a while, I pretend everything that is killing me now was an illusion, simply a wild untamed piece of my imagination. Unfortunately, the logic inside of me knows better. I run and I run, never escaping. Countless days I’ve struggled si
nce then, along with sleepless nights. Perhaps I would have been able to rise from my sorrows if I tried a tad bit harder. Nevertheless, once you begin to drown in your past, it is almost impossible to turn around and breakthrough to the surface of your troubles. At least that has been the case for me, leaving me in a disturbed state where the light of life is never in sight.